i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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