If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
