First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
