I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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