I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
smell my finger.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
