I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
