just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
