I hate all girls vehemently.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize