We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
