i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you inspire me to be a worse person
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
