saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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