I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
please come you make the beer taste better
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
