When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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