I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
