If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize