Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
