i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
