Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
