my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
