Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
