my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
