Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
