Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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