I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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