Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize