Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
