I cockslap morals
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Terrible idea I love it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
