you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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