Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
