Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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