he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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