i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
