Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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