the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
