It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
