cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
