i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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