all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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