atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize