And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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