dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize