That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
