I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
