I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I AM VODKA MAN
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
