I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i love accidental penises.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
