Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
