Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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