Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
