Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
barbara walters just said penis...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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