I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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