If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
