The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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