Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
