i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
