So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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