I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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