There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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