I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
