just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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